A memory, bittersweet that I could almost taste it, came into my mind when I woke up that made me do a double take on the date today. Funny, because I believed what made today significant was only because of what happened just over a year ago. Thanks to Timehop for letting me know that some events in my life also transpired exactly on this day, 2, 3 and 5 years back. Those were occasions I don’t want to revisit on my trip down memory lane but I would never ever forget. Tragic? No, not really, sad maybe. I could almost hear Colleen Hoover saying “oh well, maybe this is your own version of November 9”. But don’t get me wrong because as cliché as this sounds, I wouldn’t be who I am now if not partly because of the things that happened back then and I’m grateful. The same gratefulness overwhelmed me when I finally realized I know exactly the answer to the question that kept bugging me. Now, I know exactly why…
I told you everything I wanted to say and I wanted so bad to believe the response you gave. If we meet again and make things work out, then we’ll see. But if this is the only time given to us then I hope one day I could thank God this happened because now, all I could do is ask why. Until then…
Since I’m writing this, for sure you realized by now that what I’m talking about didn’t turned out pretty well, as it should not.
Last year, you happened. The moment I said “I love you, don’t break my heart”, I know it was a gamble. I think everything in this crazy life is. For a few months there, I thought my life was planned out and I couldn’t be any happier with the ride I was getting on. Suddenly, life lived up to her reputation of being a b*tch and took a sharp turn dragging me with her and reality came exploding to me as if we hit something. Thinking back, I could only hope I had my seatbelts on but too bad I was that careless.
I never saw that blind curve coming because if I had only known, we would never have crossed that fine starting line from the beginning. You knew under no circumstances I would never ever have, so you lied. For an observant person that I always claimed I am, I failed myself so many times. I can’t even accept the fact that I didn’t see right through your lies for what, months? Well, for someone who’s been head over heels with you, nevermind. “Are you stupid or just playing dumb?”, our very famous inside joke which I am most certain I have asked to myself numerous times before. Reality slapped me hard on the cheek, but I was in denial and all I could just think about was offer the other cheek. From my own perspective, ours was not a story others get inspirations from but ours was something people would gossip about. It was a slow process for me coming to terms on how easily I could fall in love with someone, someone who had been a complete stranger until then, and it scared me. Good thing I didn’t let myself dwell on it for too long.
As Klaus often said, let bygones be bygones and I don’t want to disappoint a hundred-year-old vampire so I followed his advice and here I am now.
Now, I learned not to ask why things happened the way they do and just hope that one day it will all make sense even if in that instant they seemed so incomprehensible. Now, I could only be grateful. I am in a better place, way way better. Life has taken me on another trip since I recovered and she let me in the passenger’s seat, this time with my seatbelts on and so far I’m enjoying the ride. While looking at the rear-view mirror, I can see myself exactly a year, 2, 3 & 5 years ago, moping around and thinking about how life had been so hard on me. That part of me is now long gone and I’m just focused on the road ahead of me, of the layovers here and there silently praying, hopefully this time, life would give a signal when she tries to make another sharp turn so I would be prepared. So, on the brighter side, thank you. Thank you for making me believe how good it is to love and be loved in return. Good is not even the right term to describe the feeling, it could pass as an understatement. Thank you for making me realize how far I would go for the people I love and thank you, just thank you for your mere existence. You made me appreciate how strong I was and I still am, and I know for a brief moment that we were together you saw that in me. You also made me appreciate a bestfriend who is just one call away, friends who are willing to donate their time to me for no particular reason just because I wanted someone to hang-out with and forget reality for a while. Lastly, you made me appreciate even more my sisters and cousins, you met them, who just let me cry in the corner without even asking what the hell was wrong with me until such time I felt like there were no tears streaming down anymore and we just burst out laughing at how pathetic I must have looked and what a mess I apparently was.
I may be talking in metaphors but I know you get it, you always do. I hope you’re as happy with life now as I am. Earlier, I thought this might be my kind of Fallon’s November 9 but I am not Fallon, I don’t see myself in her and you definitely failed in comparison to Ben. But do you know who I always relate to? Alaska, John Green’s Alaska and you’re Miles but not Alaska’s Miles, Tate’s Miles, Colleen Hoover’s Miles. That’s complicated, isn’t it? I thought so too. After all, you’re just you and perhaps today will just be another passing date for you but this is me and this day will always be MY March 10.
Sadly, I might have to disagree with my favorite band when they said there’s No Good In Goodbye because I found one in ours, more than one as a matter of fact.
S o t h a n k y o u a n d s e e y o u a r o u n d,
PS: This is OA and full of drama and OA again but I just had to write it so thank you for reading. Whoever you are, I hope you already found a Ben to your Fallon, the Miles to your Alaska or Tate or even an Augustus to your Hazel but if you haven’t, don’t worry because later on, you will find a Noah to your Allie, Jack to your Rose or let’s just say maybe, just maybe, a Romeo to your Juliet and that would be much much better. 😉