of Clumsy Hearts and Stubborn Minds…

Things such as shy smiles and witty comebacks throw you off balance everytime you tripped over them. Every single time. Deep inside you know it will just be the same scene, a rerun you were bored of watching and conversations you were sick of having. It is actually nauseating.

Bandaids came in a form of beers and friends. One bruise simply leads to another. One mini heartbreak accelerates the next. It is hard to be someone who falls more quickly and easily, isn’t it? It is not like your heart is rational enough to follow when you command it to stop falling. It is like you have no choice at all. It’s that same moment when Olaf was always tripping on everything that was on its way down into the castle. Uncontrollable, so you stopped holding back and just let it be.

At some point, you wanted to stop because you think you deserve better but most of the time, your stubborn mind will make you believe that maybe it will eventually work out. Just maybe… A mind that’s always overestimating another person’s commitment and interest but later on, your judgment will end up off with your clumsy heart landing 50 feet below the ground.

For a while, you will lose hope but with hurt comes strength, and with that silver lining, here you are again standing up and falling once more. But the striking thing is, one day, you will stumble upon another clumsy heart and it will be a collision so wonderful and uncoordinated that it will make you realize all these scars have been worth it. So don’t be afraid and just keep feeling that way, keep picking yourself back up, all the while hoping and getting ready for that beautiful fall. On that day, you will still be like Olaf and the incredible thing is, he/she will be someone worth melting for

Warm hugs,

Olaf2
ccccc

of Uncertainties and Contradictions…

B,

There was a time when I thought we might be something real. I thought that maybe you’d be a nice person to spend some time with. I thought that maybe we could cuddle, laugh, and watch movies together. I thought that we could go on cute dates, holding hands while walking past closing storefronts on mild summer nights. But now I know better. But maybe I guess I don’t know better. Because I respond. Because I flirt. Because I let you tempt me with your games. I respond to your texts with sassy, classic responses. I enable it all. And then I wonder why I’m unhappy. I wonder why I don’t find the “nice guys” or why I ignore the “nice guys.” I wonder why I am trapped in this vortex of insanity, and why you keep contacting me. But the answer is pretty obvious, staring up at me from my bright phone screen. Because I keep texting back. When my phone lights up with a new text from you, my brain lights up with what I imagined could have been. I am not texting the boy who led me on and made my heartstrings into puppet strings, I am texting the boy I thought I cared about. The boy who walked with a cocky swagger, who looks better in black than the widows of our enemies or even anyone that I can think of, and one who talked intellectually about his day. One day you’re this normal boy and the next time I know, you’re into this world where you think being sad and lonely is okay. I am a happy person and I refuse to understand you and you confuse the hell out of me. Falling for someone or sometimes falling away from someone takes time and I think that’s okay. But slowly, too slowly, I will convince myself that I deserve better. Slowly, I will pick up myself and move on. Slowly, I will look forward to the day when I finally ignore your texts, your posts, and you.

Thank you for the butterflies in my stomach which I thought had died a year ago. But I’m sorry because even if I’m willing to meet halfway or even go over and beyond, I know you’re not ready…

E.

of What-Ifs and Slivers…

Endings aren’t easy and lucky are those who eventually found closures.  As we move along with life, it becomes inevitable that we must close certain chapters in order to give space to something more important. It’s hard but eventually, you’ll grow with it, with not having “them” anymore. Later on, we’ll just realize that it’s good to have a definitive end to mourn, I mean something that you’ve established with someone else that you can truly put a concrete label on. Friendships? Relationships? Oh well, L I F E.

But let’s not talk about those, instead, let’s talk about ending “something” that we don’t even know what to call in the first place which I know you’ll agree, is far more damaging. For the loss of the right terms to use, let’s call them “almost relationships”. Ring a bell? =) Those endings suck more because most, if not all of the time, they just float away, still covered with layers of what-ifs, leaving us feeling incomplete. I’m talking about your on-and-off friendships/relationships with someone that you could never really categorize. That connection with someone you used to text every day, you used to date and flirt with, that someone you wanted so badly to ask…”What are we?” When things are okay, you have no choice but go with the flow because you’re afraid to ask the “what are we” question. Maybe because asking it feels like a way of putting a risk and the stakes of whatever you have on the other person instead of owning up your own feelings. But maybe you’re just so scared to know the answer. (Shrug) Sometimes, those “almost relationships” don’t completely vanish but were just left at a standstill only because neither of you is willing to say “I need you” first.

♪ Try to deny it as much as you want
But in time our feelings will show
‘Cause sooner or later
We’ll wonder why we gave up
The truth is everyone knows
Almost, almost is never enough ♫

Almost Is Never Enough by Ariana Grande ft. Nathan Sykes

What if it’s only a casual hook-up for him/her and you’re already imagining your happy-ever-after? You two have the type of “almost relationship” that is hard to comprehend but somehow deep inside you’re happy and it was fun while it lasted, it’s just that when things start to fall apart, it hurts the worst. You can’t help but think if it’s right to get jealous or angry or mad at him/her coz you’re not even official to begin with. And then you’ll say to yourself, “I can’t truly be sad because we weren’t really “together”, right?”. After going separate ways, people would start asking questions and all you can say is “oh that person, yea we had a thing and then we stopped talking and stopped having a thing, so yea”. Sucks, right? Assuming we’re on the same page with someone, only to watch that person disappear into thin air, leave the door swinging and us staring, dumbfounded, confused… I bet afterwards, you’d rather choose rejection. Rejection gives you a ticket to move on with life but “almost relationships”? They leave you with a lot of unanswered questions, what-ifs and eventually regrets. Regrets on the things you should have or shouldn’t have done or said just to keep whatever it was that you have had. Worst is later on, you see them “in a relationship” with someone else, the “boyfriend/girlfriend romantic” type of “relationship”. It might sound stupid but you can’t help and compare yourself to that new person. Why her/him? What’s with him/her that you don’t have? At the end of the day, while staring at the ceiling before going to bed, you’ll start assessing yourself and then you’ll ask, “Why does he/she get to taste the main course but I only get a sliver?”(Sigh…)

While reading this, I know you have someone in mind and I’m pretty sure it can be quite difficult but it’s all up to you to give up already or just keep chasing pavements. 😉

Now, I’ll leave you with a question from a friend…

“Which lost potentially disfigures a soul more, one that’s real or imaginary?”

 Thank you for reading,

ccccc

 

of Coffee, Chocolate and Comfort in a stranger’s eyes…

RainHave you had that moment when you’ve had enough of all the bullshits and you just want to be anywhere but home? Or else you’ll throw the first thing you’ll pick up to every person that comes your way… Yes, that’s exactly how I felt. It was Friday night, raining and I was mad. So mad to the point that I packed an all-nighter, brought two books with me, thinking I should be away even for the weekend just to clear up my mind and breathe fresh air. Without turning back, I left the door swinging and a tear fell because I know deep inside that I’m no good at this. Undecided on where to go & whom to call, I went to the nearest coffee shop that I could think of. The aroma in the store immediately embraced me it almost felt like Olaf giving me a warm hug.

I ordered my usual Caramel Macchiato and a slice of Belgian chocolate cake which I haven’t tried before. Unfortunately, I didn’t notice immediately that there were only three vacant seats at the moment, one beside a couple of teenagers studying, one on the far end of the room near the AC and one across a boy who seemed to be very much into his phone with his headphones on, playing god knows what. After I got my order, I decided to sit across this guy without even asking if the seat was vacant which was clearly not when he didn’t even mind glancing up, evidently not bothered with my presence at all which is a good thing. I put down my bag and took out a book which I decided to re-read. I read, drank my coffee and took a bite of the delicious Belgian cake from time to time. An hour passed, or so I thought, when I heard someone calling me or saying something directly to me. I glanced up and looked at the person across me and there you were, staring as if it’s the first time you noticed someone is actually occupying the seat across you and she’s grown two heads. If this is a plot in a book, I’d say this is where this story took a whole new dimension.

giphy (2)

We moved past introductions because I think it’s safe to say we both knew it was unnecessary. You initiated a chat which I immediately engaged into and so we talked and talked as if we knew each other since forever. We discovered we had our fair share of “something bad” which brought us together on the same place at almost the same time. For a moment there, I thought I was catching up with an old friend. For a good two hours, you made me forget why I was even there in the first place like it’s as if I just took a break to chill with a friend. If I hadn’t gotten a call, I wouldn’t have noticed the time on my phone that says 1:34AM. I needed to go home and..so were you. This was the time we’re forced to go back to the persons that we were before we enter the coffee shop earlier…strangers. Awkwardly, we bid our goodbyes and I never knew your name. I just know you were someone my age and that we went to the same school in college, just different campuses. In that moment, I didn’t mind because that’s all I needed to know but now I am silently hoping to meet you again one day. I want to thank you for that time. I found comfort in you I only find in my friends. I went home with a peace of mind, a light heart and a body high with sugar and caffeine.

Whoever you are, it was so nice meeting you! Maybe you’ve heard this a lot from your friends but let me just tell you that your eyes are so beautiful especially when it disappears everytime you grin and smile. =)

Merci. Jusqu’à ce que nous nous reverrons,

ccccc

of Summer Days and Summer Nights…

A memory, bittersweet that I could almost taste it, came into my mind when I woke up that made me do a double take on the date today. Funny, because I believed what made today significant was only because of what happened just over a year ago. Thanks to Timehop for letting me know that some events in my life also transpired exactly on this day, 2, 3 and 5 years back. Those were occasions I don’t want to revisit on my trip down memory lane but I would never ever forget. Tragic? No, not really, sad maybe. I could almost hear Colleen Hoover saying  “oh well, maybe this is your own version of November 9”. But don’t get me wrong because as cliché as this sounds, I wouldn’t be who I am now if not partly because of the things that happened back then and I’m grateful. The same gratefulness overwhelmed me when I finally realized I know exactly the answer to the question that kept bugging me. Now, I know exactly why…

March 2015:

I told you everything I wanted to say and I wanted so bad to believe the response you gave. If we meet again and make things work out, then we’ll see. But if this is the only time given to us then I hope one day I could thank God this happened because now, all I could do is ask why. Until then…

Since I’m writing this, for sure you realized by now that what I’m talking about didn’t turned out pretty well, as it should not.

Last year, you happened. The moment I said “I love you, don’t break my heart”, I know it was a gamble. I think everything in this crazy life is. For a few months there, I thought my life was planned out and I couldn’t be any happier with the ride I was getting on. Suddenly, life lived up to her reputation of being a b*tch and took a sharp turn dragging me with her and reality came exploding to me as if we hit something. Thinking back, I could only hope I had my seatbelts on but too bad I was that careless.

I never saw that blind curve coming because if I had only known, we would never have crossed that fine starting line from the beginning. You knew under no circumstances I would never ever have, so you lied. For an observant person that I always claimed I am, I failed myself so many times. I can’t even accept the fact that I didn’t see right through your lies for what, months? Well, for someone who’s been head over heels with you, nevermind. “Are you stupid or just playing dumb?”, our very famous inside joke which I am most certain I have asked to myself numerous times before. Reality slapped me hard on the cheek, but I was in denial and all I could just think about was offer the other cheek. From my own perspective, ours was not a story others get inspirations from but ours was something people would gossip about. It was a slow process for me coming to terms on how easily I could fall in love with someone, someone who had been a complete stranger until then, and it scared me. Good thing I didn’t let myself dwell on it for too long.

As Klaus often said, let bygones be bygones and I don’t want to disappoint a hundred-year-old vampire so I followed his advice and here I am now.

Now, I learned not to ask why things happened the way they do and just hope that one day it will all make sense even if in that instant they seemed so incomprehensible. Now, I could only be grateful. I am in a better place, way way better. Life has taken me on another trip since I recovered and she let me in the passenger’s seat, this time with my seatbelts on and so far I’m enjoying the ride. While looking at the rear-view mirror, I can see myself exactly a year, 2, 3 & 5 years ago, moping around and thinking about how life had been so hard on me. That part of me is now long gone and I’m just focused on the road ahead of me, of the layovers here and there silently praying, hopefully this time, life would give a signal when she tries to make another sharp turn so I would be prepared. So, on the brighter side, thank you. Thank you for making me believe how good it is to love and be loved in return. Good is not even the right term to describe the feeling, it could pass as an understatement. Thank you for making me realize how far I would go for the people I love and thank you, just thank you for your mere existence. You made me appreciate how strong I was and I still am, and I know for a brief moment that we were together you saw that in me. You also made me appreciate a bestfriend who is just one call away, friends who are willing to donate their time to me for no particular reason just because I wanted someone to hang-out with and forget reality for a while. Lastly, you made me appreciate even more my sisters and cousins, you met them, who just let me cry in the corner without even asking what the hell was wrong with me until such time I felt like there were no tears streaming down anymore and we just burst out laughing at how pathetic I must have looked and what a mess I apparently was.

I may be talking in metaphors but I know you get it, you always do. I hope you’re as happy with life now as I am. Earlier, I thought this might be my kind of Fallon’s November 9 but I am not Fallon, I don’t see myself in her and you definitely failed in comparison to Ben. But do you know who I always relate to? Alaska, John Green’s Alaska and you’re Miles but not Alaska’s Miles, Tate’s Miles, Colleen Hoover’s Miles. That’s complicated, isn’t it? I thought so too. After all, you’re just you and perhaps today will just be another passing date for you but this is me and this day will always be MY March 10.

Sadly, I might have to disagree with my favorite band when they said there’s No Good In Goodbye because I found one in ours, more than one as a matter of fact.

S o t h a n k  y o u a n d s e e y o u a r o u n d,

ccccc

PS: This is OA and full of drama and OA again but I just had to write it so thank you for reading. Whoever you are, I hope you already found a Ben to your Fallon, the Miles to your Alaska or Tate or even an Augustus to your Hazel but if you haven’t, don’t worry because later on, you will find a Noah to your Allie, Jack to your Rose or let’s just say maybe, just maybe, a Romeo to your Juliet and that would be much much better. 😉

200_s

♬ It’s Not Right For You

Complication. The word that I dread the most. There are really things you will never ever do because your parents had instilled in your brain while growing up that it’s wrong and you know it yourself as well. And suddenly you were put in that situation unintentionally. It is easy to fall in love, yes. Especially when you get to see that person everyday. But the hard thing to accept is the fact that you started your relationship with a lie. I believe so. I had the best 3 months in a long time already and that’s because of you. I’m strong but I think I had enough already. Fix whatever you wanted to fix with whoever. Next time, if there will be, I prefer you to have a clean slate. I told you everything I wanted to say and I wanted so bad to believe the response you gave. If we meet again and make things work out, then we’ll see. But if this is the only time given to us then I hope one day I could thank God this happened because now, all I could do is ask why. Until then…

✎What’s On Your List?

Here’s the story of how I know Sebastian Terry. One day, someone wanted me to watch this video titled “How to Live Your Dreams NOW, Before It’s Too Late” where Sebastian Terry was the guest speaker. She wanted me to have my own “list” because maybe sooner or later, in one way or another she might help me tick off the items one by one. I did watch the video for an hour or so and damn, it was so good. I met Sebastian Terry (not literally), got a glimpse of his life based on his stories, of how once upon a time he was just no one. Long short, there’s this fellow who wanted to pursue happiness, so he did. Before I watched the video, I thought maybe this is just another man sharing his story of rags-to-riches but I was wrong! Well, maybe it is but there’s more to it! I laughed at his hilarious adventures, I was moved by his passion towards self-fulfillment and I got emotional when I heard about the people he had helped along the way on his journey.

Here’s a sneak peek of what I’m talking about:

When I was almost done watching the video, I was silently praying that please please let him write a book and as if on cue, he mentioned that he actually wrote a book titled “100 Things: What’s On Your List?” and I was like, YES! I read the book and it was such a beautiful read, entertaining and very inspiring.

imagesAfter flipping the last page, this book would make you want to create your own list of things/dreams/goals (whatever you wanna call it) that you want to accomplish in the future or in the next couple of days. It doesn’t have to include backpacking around the world, deliver a baby,  marry a stranger in Vegas or even walk on the red carpet uninvited which I tell you, these were just some of the things Sebastian actually did, with some misfortunes here and there of course. There is that specific defining moment in your life when you think “what have I been doing my entire life?” and suddenly you just wanna do crazy things and enjoy life to the fullest! Some of us might have realized this out the blue but most of the time, it’s brought by some unfortunate circumstances. Sebastian’s was when his friend died at a young age. That made him realize that most of the people we see doing insane adventures and ticking off what seems to be impossible items on their bucket lists  are those with terminal illness, cancer survivors or those who got into accidents and were fortunate enough to be given a “second life” and the list could go on. So he asked, “why do we have to wait for something terrible to happen when we can do these things when everything is all fine?” That’s when he decided to create his 100 things-to-do-before-I-die list, begin ticking off the items one by one and the journey continues. As time goes by, a lot of people got interested with this idea and started making their own lists which you can see here: http://100things.com.au.

download

Please put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.” This sounds very familiar, yes? I agree that this is kind of a selfish thing to do especially when you are with someone you love but it must be done and the analogy here is you need to save yourself first before you can help someone else. As cliché as this may sound, it is like saying you need to have that strong foundation on yourself, love yourself first before you love someone else.

In this life, a few individuals are just simply lucky, some were born with a golden spoon in their mouth or it could be knowledge and valor that make people reach their dreams. Be that as it may, but sometimes we don’t need more information but we actually need more inspiration to be successful. To each his own, I mean we may not agree on some of the things that I mentioned here however, one thing that I think most of us have in common is that we’re so boiled up with our emotions that we forgot to appreciate how beautiful life is. We tend to worry more about some bad things that might not ever actually happen and this won’t do us any good. We go through different heartbreaks, broken families, peer pressures, financial struggles, people coming into our lives and the next thing we know poof, gone. Those are just some of the issues most of us have but it’s okay because that’s life. I’m not telling you to forget all the things that you are going through right now and just go be happy, no.  It’s okay to grieve for some time but eventually, learn to accept that things happen for some reasons, reasons that we might not comprehend at the moment but hope that someday it will all make sense. We can’t do anything to turn back time, change something to keep things from happening or even undo it altogether. Grieve, accept and let go.

images (1)Easier said than done. Yes, I know. Sometimes, we  see ourselves having reasons for not doing things but perhaps they are rather excuses to justify our actions and make ourselves feel better. Maybe some people will say we don’t know where we are heading at or what’s around the corner that awaits us if we do this and that but we can’t see it from here, you know? How would we know what’s around the corner if we don’t take a walk, take a left or right turn and see it for ourselves? We could meet somebody along the way or help someone, someone we haven’t even met yet and a lot of things could happen. All of us have our own different problems, trials, disappointments and failures but that doesn’t mean that we don’t have the same capabilities to be better than what we used to be because we do. Maybe what matters most is when we finally decide to give ourselves permission to be happy, permission to do the things that make us happy.

What’s on your list? When will you start ticking the items off on it if not today?

Give yourself a chance to be free of worries and forget about your long-term dreams for a moment because who knows how much time you have left in this world? Maybe if you do that, you’ll realize life is such a beautiful theme park and you’re missing out on a lot of its rides. We may not end up where Sebastian is now or our journey may not turn out the same as his but he’s not yet done with his list and  as of now, the remaining things-to-do doesn’t matter to him anymore as much as it did before because he’s done so much already, he’s met and helped a lot of people along the way but most importantly, he was happy on his journey, euphoric each time he ticked an item off his list. I could go with the simplest goal of just buying myself a bookset and that would give me the same amount of happiness as going on an adventure (I’m not even kidding, well maybe a little 😀!). 5, 50, 100 or a thousand items on your list? It doesn’t matter as long as you are fulfilled and happy each time you put a check mark on the items one by one.

If you like the direction of where you’re going right now, then no problem, just press play and keep going but if what you see where you’re heading at is not where you wanted to be  then there’s no one else that could tweak your path for you, but you.

Go get a pen and paper and start creating your own list, a list of things that you want to do in this life or perhaps things that will definitely make you happy. Make these things happen before it’s too late…

tumblr_inline_mqx90eH0xe1qz4rgp

✔ Here’s to ticking off the items on your list!

ccccc